still all alone
by ridiculouslyhappy
Summary: It was a familiar scenario. He had been through it before many, many times. Some things never changed, right? - It was Parents Day at Teitan Elementary, and once again, Conan was going to be the only kid there without parents.


_It was a familiar scenario. He had been through it before many, many times. Some things never changed, right?_

 _It was Parents Day at Teitan Elementary, and once again, Conan was going to be the only kid there without parents._

 _word count: 3618_

* * *

This was nothing new for him. It was a familiar scenario. Throughout his seventeen years of living, this was the one thing that kept reappearing (besides cases, of course).

But he was used to it. The first few times it was a little embarrassing, being the only student there. Well, not the only student, but definitely the only student without parents.

That's how the rumors started. During his childhood the first-time around, Ran was really the only friend he had. Rather, she was the only person who took the time to see past all of his faults. He was an arrogant asshole, even when he was a child, and it drove a lot of people away, only contributing to the outrageous lies people started to believe about him.

And then when he was alone during most events, a lot of people started piecing together why. Even if they were wrong, their ideas of his so called "troubled home life" stemmed from somewhere.

He got accustomed to it as he grew up. It was the normal thing to do, right? Not like your parents? It wasn't like he hated them or anything. He just didn't...feel a connection. They were never the most affectionate bunch. Besides his mother suddenly wanting to act all touchy-feely around him as of late (most likely to make up for lost years?), he wasn't held much as a child.

While he didn't outwardly show it, he really did love his parents. They were really the only family he had.

However, over the years he started to wonder if it was just a one sided thing.

He would always attend her movie premieres and his book signings. They never came to his games. He didn't mind them going out on frequent dinner dates. He wasn't even that phased when they announced that they were moving to the states, leaving him, a child, all alone in their vacant, dusty house.

It was no different from before though, right? It's not like they were ever there in the first place. Somehow, knowing that they were permanently gone, made it seem like an entirely new thing was happening.

It bugged him the most when it first happened. He would never admit this aloud, but he was scared. Every day when he came home, there was no one to greet him. He was by himself, and he hated that. When the sun disappeared and night fell, it was just him and that house. When the sun would rise to shine another day, and he would wake up from dreams that his parents were still there, it was just him and that empty, empty house.

He learned to ignore the feeling. At first, he thought it was just him getting used to it, tuning out the frustration. That was the facade he put on to everyone else, the facade that he just "didn't care". That's what others thought, and for once, they stopped prying in on his personal life. Fake it until you make it, right? For awhile, it worked, until he took a deeper look at it and realized that, no, it wasn't him "getting used to it," it was just him suppressing his very real desire and very real need: the need to be loved.

Maybe that was his issue. He just wanted to be loved.

During his second round of childhood, the same things started happening, almost like they were mirroring the events of the past.

The first two who started doing it were Kogoro and Ran. He didn't blame them as much, though. He was living with them after all and, even if it was annoying at first, it was their job to be concerned. He would be too if some stranger's child came to live at his house.

It was fairly normal for him. He never wondered when his parent were ever going to call or visit him, because they never had before. What would make it any different now?

Ran didn't seem to think that, however. She'd always try to force him to contact his parents over the phone, even once or twice stealing his just so she could find their numbers.

She never brought them up, either. Or at least, she avoided topics and conversations that could potentially lead into that territory. This was one of those times he appreciated Ran so, very much.

It started from almost the second he entered school, however. Many students noticed it, that he was always walking home with Ran and never a relative.

He got plenty of questions about it, too. The Detective Boys were the first ones to start it, and in the beginning they never shied away from asking questions about his home life. Even though he was really trying to phrase his answers in ways that didn't expose his true identity, he feared that they interpreted it in the worse possible way and learned to avoid the subject, as well. He was grateful for the kids, too.

When his classmates started asking him, he'd start getting vague. Thus, the rumors started again, nearly the same ones that had spread about him when he was a kid (originally). He'd ignore them, for the most part, but some days they got so aggravating he wanted to scream.

The rumors then grapevined to the parents, and then the teachers, too. It was one thing for kids to think of him like that, but it was a whole different ballpark once the adults found out. He would always get some disgusted, criticizing looks from people's parents and concerned, pathetic stares from teachers. He had to ignore those, too.

There was one event, however, that practically drew all the attention to him, and like all the former times he had to experience it, he just wanted it to be over.

It was Parents Day. The stares were much, much worse.

Ran was away at a karate tournament, where Kogoro had gone to support her (must be nice). She was under the impression that Agasa was going to take him in her place, however, since Haibara had refused to go along, he was staying in, as well.

He was instructed by Ran to go there, anyway, as there was a chance that the tournament would end early and she would still have a chance to get there before it ended. He couldn't even pretend to go, anyway. She told him she was going to be calling his teacher later to confirm that he went.

So he went. He met up with his friends at the gate, who had been playing tag in the courtyard. He saw a group of their parents gathered in a group near a tree, most likely talking about adult things. He smiled. At least their parents showed up.

* * *

It was an after school event, so it wasn't mandatory. Even if it wasn't, however, nearly everybody went in order to make a good impression to the teachers and fellow parents. As far as his eye could see, a good bit of parents were here with their respective child. The kids who weren't there even had their parents in attendance.

There was still half an hour until the event, so the children then decided to busy themselves by starting up a small game of soccer.

He wasn't focused on it, though. Even the kids could see that. He was half-heartedly into it, merely sticking to dribbling and passing. He tried to shoot once, but that ended horribly since he nearly took off Genta's head.

Just as the larger boy was getting ready to yell at him, Ayumi stepped up.

"Ne, Conan-kun," she started, voice already dripping with worry. "What's wrong? Are you okay?"

He gave her a weak smile. "Yeah, I'm okay, Ayumi-chan. Just not...into it right now, is all."

Genta and Mitsuhiko came jogging up to them, obviously seeing something wasn't right. "Are you sure that's it?" she asked. No beating around the bush with her, whether she realized it or not.

"Oh, that reminds me, Conan-kun," Mitsuhiko started, letting his hands fall to his side. "Where are your parents? Yours are the only ones we haven't seen yet."

Ayumi gasped. "That's right! Can we meet them, Conan-kun? Please?"

Conan held up his hands, a slight chuckle escaping his lips. "Sorry guys, not today." He turned to look at the rest of the field, seeing all the other people mingling amongst themselves. "They aren't coming."

"Not coming?" Genta shouted, hands on his hips. "What do you mean 'not coming'? They have to come, Conan!"

"Well, they aren't really required to come, Genta-kun," Mitsuhiko explained with an extended pointer finger. "It's just, um, nice if they do."

He could see that the boy was choosing his words carefully. He supposed that was his fault, however. He didn't want the others to get upset or uncomfortable because of him.

"But don't worry," he started, attempting to divert the conversation somewhere else. "Ran-neechan and Kogoro-ojisan might be here later. They're just at a tournament, right now."

The teacher started calling out from the entrance that it was time to start class, and so everyone started making their way towards the classes.

Conan turned and started walking. Genta raised his arms up behind his head, a bored look settling on his face.

"Geez. I was at least hoping we'd get to see your parents for once," he mumbled, not really intending for the shrunken detective to hear him.

But he did hear him, and he wasn't going to lie: it kind of hurt.

* * *

He couldn't relaxed. He felt rigid, sitting there, posture too perfect to look natural.

He wasn't going to relaxed, either. He could feel them staring, both the students and parents.

Like always, he was the only one there without anyone. He was alone.

On the way in, Kobayashi pulled him aside to ask why he was here by himself. He then had to explain to her that he wasn't here by his lonesome, and that he was having his "parents" arrive a little later than anticipated.

She gave him that look. He hated that look. Every teacher he had since day one shot him that same, pitiful look. He didn't want anyone's pity.

The event started as planned, with a quick roll call before getting right into the swing of things. There was going to be a show-and-tell like introduction, or something. He wasn't really paying attention, nor did he have the attention to care.

Luckily, he figured, he wouldn't have to sit there for long. Ran and Kogoro were due in twenty minutes or so, so all he had to do was grin and bare it. This was finally going to be the first time he was here with someone. He almost smiled at the thought.

Finally, things were looking up. For now, he just had to endure it, then no longer would he have to deal with the constant judgment and disapproval from his peer's parents. No longer would he have to be embarrassed about walking in and walking out with no one by his side.

He just had to sit through it for twenty minutes, a small amount of time. He would use the same strategy as always: ignore the attention, ignore the stares.

Ignore, ignore, ignore.

* * *

Thirty minutes went by.

Thirty minutes went by and they still weren't here.

They were getting pretty far down the roster. It was some girl introducing the class to her parents, some girl who, alphabetically, was about three spots ahead of him. He didn't want to go up there alone.

Fifty minutes went by. The Mouris were a no show.

He was skipped over by Kobayashi after he gave her a pleading look with his eyes. He assumed she got the message, considering the look she gave at the clipboard before hesitantly calling out the kid after Conan. His classmates knew that he had been skipped, but none of the adults knew. As far as they were concerned, his name was last on roll.

The other half of the class went up to the front of the classroom. They were nearing the final presentation, and still no one had shown up. Conan was growing anxious now. Where were they? He knew it was wrong of him to really think they were going to make it, but they had got his hopes up. They told him about the possibility, and now here he was, thinking that it was only a matter of time before they walked through that door, apologizing that they had gone over.

The presentations ended, and the next activity had began.

It was now painfully obvious that there was one child who hadn't gone up to the board. The second the they began moving onto the next section, he felt that all eyes were on him. They were staring at him again. He felt like a spotlight had landed on him, announcing his presence to the class. He clenched his fists, attempting to ignore them. Just a little while longer.

He _hated_ those stares.

* * *

It was nearing sunset now, and still he was the only one with nobody there.

He had spent the rest of the time clenching and unclenching his fists, tapping his fingers, swinging his legs. Anything to distract him for the time being. Anything at all. He just had to endure these last few minutes of torture, and then he was out of there.

' _Until next year,_ ' he reminded himself.

The announcement came, and finally was it time for everyone to get up and stretch their legs. The last fifteen minutes were reserved for parents to interact with one another, get to know each other on a more personal level. The children, in the meantime, were meant to busy themselves with the same faces they saw every day.

The Detective Boys regrouped for the time being, chatting all the way up until the teacher notified everyone that it was time to go home, and that the students would see each other the following week.

On the way out, a classmate of his turned and asked him where his parents were. On any other occasion, it wouldn't have bothered him as much, but he was starting to learn that was not the case.

It did bother him very much, and he was having a harder time trying to hide it.

" _Wouldn't you like to know,_ " Conan hissed, a very uncharacteristic thing for him to do. The boy jumped back, shaking a little, and the Detective Boys made an effort to stay slightly farther back when walking this time.

They dispersed near the gate, all waving at each other and agreeing to meet up with each other the following day. Each went their own separate direction, and he watched them disappear into the horizon until he could see them no longer.

He wasn't quite ready to leave for home yet, so he sat down and brought his knees up to his chest, tucking his chin between them. He sat there, deep in thought, taking in the sunset before him.

The sun was considerably lower in the sky when he decided to dust himself off and get a move on for home, but deep down, part of him was dreaming that maybe Ran and the old man would appear in the end, offering to walk him home or take him somewhere as a consolation prize. Is that the only reason why he sat there? Was he in denial?

He trudged home, the sky almost completely dark once he arrived back at the agency. He climbed the steps to the office, letting himself in.

Not even bothering to turn on the lights, he curled up on the couch, making sure to hide his face from view. He wasn't even sure what he was doing, sitting there all tightly wrapped, staring at nothing in particular.

He was acting his age, he was aware. Then again, when _had_ he ever acted his age? Not when he was seven the first time, and certainly not this time around, either. He was entitled to being upset. He could let himself have this.

He wanted to cry. A strangled noise nearly leapt from his throat, and he had to try with everything in him not to let those hot, burning tears escape from his eyes.

It stung. At this point of his life, he was fed up. Everything had gone to hell, and even with parental figures in his life, he _still_ couldn't get anyone to show up for once? Not even one time?

How unfair was that? Why was he the ones that had to get stuck with the semi-neglectful parents, the ones that were sometimes so unbothered with him they forgot they even had a son? Why was it him? Wasn't there some other problem he could've gotten stuck with? Anything but this?

He was starting to feel like Edogawa Conan. Conan had no parents. Shinichi did, his just never bothered coming home and paying their child a visit every once in a fucking while. But with how infrequent their trips were, and how they started paying attention to him less and less, he figured that maybe he didn't have parents either.

Maybe he never had parents in the first place.

He needed to regain control of himself. He was starting to think irrationally, thinking less with his head and more with his heart. He clenched his eyes shut, teeth grinding together in the process.

Damnit, did it _hurt_. He had feelings, too, did nobody realize that? Did they think he was just some soulless spirit, wandering around completely unfazed with the way anyone treated him, especially his own _parents_? Is that what they thought?

This had happened many times in the past. He'd figured he'd just get used to it. That's what he always assumed. He would become accustomed to it, eventually. It would happen. The disappointment _had_ to go away soon.

But he knew it wouldn't. In fact, with every year the feeling only grew stronger. The pain only became exponentially larger. Something like this was something the heart would never get used to. He knew it would always feel this way. He didn't know why he felt that this time would be any different.

It stung his heart to think like that. This time, it really, really stung.

* * *

He assumed he fell asleep at some point, since the next time he woke up, he was lying in his bed, the bright morning sun shining directly onto his face.

It took him some time to decide if he even wanted to get up. Memories of the previous day came flooding back fairly fast, and he for a brief moment he considered sleeping the day away.

He couldn't do that, though. It would only make Ran worry more, and the last thing he needed was something else to be thrown onto his plate. With a huff, he got from under the covers.

Making his way to the living room as if it were a normal routine, he spotted Ran in the kitchen and Kogoro at the table, reading the morning paper. Just as he was sitting down, Ran turned towards him.

"Oh Conan-kun, there you are!" she said, stepping out of the kitchen with a plate of food for him. She set it down in front of him, a wry smile placed on her face. She merely studied at him for a few moments, the corners of her eyes creasing with worry.

"I'm...I'm sorry for yesterday, Conan-kun. I mean it. I didn't think we'd get back so late-"

He cut her off. "It's alright, Ran-neechan," he smiled. "I had someone else take me as a substitute, so it worked out in the end, right? Besides, you had something important to do. I'm only sorry I couldn't come with you."

He felt bad for lying to her, but then again, what else was he supposed to do? Tell the cold, hard, unfortunate truth? He looked back to her.

"Then you're not mad?" she leaned back, anticipating his answer.

His smiled only grew even wider, almost to the point where it looked painfully forced. A strained laugh sounded.

"Yep! I could never be mad at you."

Ran jumped over to give him a quick hug, then pulled back with a look of satisfaction. She then started detailing all the things they were going to do that day in order to make up for it, like going out to this new restaurant nearby and buying him whatever he wanted. Of course, Conan tried his hardest to show he was listening, despite his mind being somewhere else. He picked over his food.

She had to step away from the table for a moment, clearing the area of dirty dishes. Even with her talking a bit more muted, he still attempted to listen to her.

Kogoro huffed, obviously paying attention to the conversation, but not looking up from his newspaper as he tapped the ashes from off of his cigarette.

"It's like the brat's heart is made of concrete. Don't you ever get sick of them not ever showing up?" he grumbled, throwing the question out without it meaning to be answered.

"Nah, I'm..." _used to it_.

He had to catch himself. Can't let it slip out, right? The words hung at the end of his tongue, which he desperately had to bite in order for them to not come toppling out on accident. He didn't even need to say the words for his meaning to ring loud and clear. That look he gave was enough.

Kogoro raised an eyebrow, expecting him to finish.

Conan averted his eyes. "I'm...I guess I don't mind, really."


End file.
